An Elf's Worst Nightmare
by AJ Matthews
Summary: Aragorn comes to Legolas's rescue! A/L slash! The final chapter is now up! If you want a sequel, please tell me in a review! (forgot to mention that in the final chapter)
1. An Elf's Worst Nightmare

Note: This is an AU humor fic, so expect the unexpected! I got the inspiration for this from another fic written by someone else! Most of the LOTR characters are not themselves! This will wind up being an A/L fic, but first they have to go through some crazy things… Elvish speech is in ' '. Takes place shortly before the sunset. If you want a sequel, review.  
  
An Elf's Worst Nightmare  
  
Part 1  
  
Legolas and Aragorn stood together, gazing at a waterfall in the distance. Aragorn turned to face Legolas, half fearing and half anticipating what the elf wanted to tell him.  
  
'What did you want to tell me?' Aragorn asked quietly in Elvish. He was surprised to see how nervous Legolas looked.  
  
Legolas licked his lips before speaking. 'Aragorn… I-I'm in love with you,' the elf confessed, waiting for Aragorn's reaction.  
  
Gladness and joy sang through Aragorn's heart at those words, before he forced himself to remember Arwen. 'Legolas, I'm glad you told me but…' Legolas's shoulders sagged in defeat as Aragorn continued speaking. 'I'm engaged to Arwen.'  
  
Legolas turned from Aragorn for a moment, fighting down the burning pain inside him, as he turned back, and pretended cheerfulness. 'It's ok, Aragorn. I just thought you should know,' Legolas said. 'But we can still be friends, right?' I wasn't expecting you to reject me, the elf thought to himself. But he said nothing aloud.  
  
'Of course!' Aragorn cried. 'We'll always be friends, but for now, we should return to the camp.' He started off, certain that Legolas was right behind him.  
  
Legolas, however, sank to his knees as soon as Aragorn was out of sight. He wept long and hard, with his face buried in his hands. And the elf was so distracted that he didn't see the seven pairs of eyes which had watched him and Aragorn speaking together.  
  
The group of seven looked at each other, and then back at the distraught elf.  
  
"You know what we have to do now," Frodo said. The others nodded grimly.  
  
************************  
  
The Next Morning  
  
************************  
  
Aragorn was concerned when Legolas got back to the camp so late after Aragorn himself had arrived. He'd attempted to talk to the blond elf, but Legolas had pushed him away, saying that he needed to be alone. But as Aragorn headed back towards the camp, after washing his face in a nearby spring, he saw a strange sight. Sam, Merry, Pippin, and Frodo were fussing over Legolas.  
  
"Here, Legolas. You can have some of my bacon," Sam said, batting his eyelashes at the puzzled elf.  
  
"That's ok, Sam. I have no need for it," Legolas replied.  
  
"How about some of my apple?" Pippin inquired. "I only took one bite out of it."  
  
Legolas shook his head. "I'm fine, really."  
  
Frodo looked at Legolas, batting his eyelashes as well. "I saw you shivering last night, Legolas. Do you want to share blankets tonight and keep each other warm?"  
  
Legolas choked on the bread he was eating. "No, thank you, Frodo." He was starting to get scared, as Gimli and Boromir walked over.  
  
"Would you like my spare cloak, elf?" Gimli asked, gazing at Legolas in worship.  
  
Boromir scowled. "Have mine, Legolas."  
  
"I do not feel the cold, and therefore, I do not require any more cloaks," Legolas said, wondering what was wrong with everyone.  
  
Burning jealousy struck Aragorn at the sight before him. But it only got worse, as Aragorn sat beside Gandalf, pretending that he didn't long to run over there and tell the others to stay away from 'his' Legolas.  
  
Merry asked Legolas to assist him in cooking the rest of the bacon, which the kind elf did. But he hadn't anticipated on Merry 'accidentally' getting bacon grease on him. The grease splattered all over Legolas's shirt and tunic, as well as burning the skin it touched.  
  
The elf let out a cry of pain, which caused everyone except for Gandalf and Aragorn to immediately run to his aid. Aragorn had jumped to his feet, and he silently went over to his pack. Jealousy was raging high in his veins, as the others all but tore Legolas's shirt off him.  
  
"Let me go," Legolas protested. "I just need a few herbs from Aragorn to soothe the burns." He gasped suddenly. "Stop that, Pippin!"  
  
Pippin smiled innocently as he removed his hand. Legolas was scared now. Why was everyone else acting so crazy, he wondered. He began to back away slowly, but Boromir caught him by the shoulders.  
  
"We'll take good care of you, Legolas," the man purred. He ran his hand down Legolas's bare back. Legolas shot a pleading look at Aragorn, who was not looking.  
  
"What's going on, Gandalf?" Aragorn asked. "Why are they all acting so strangely?"  
  
Gandalf turned to him, a sly look in his eyes. "Well, Legolas is beautiful and a prince, Aragorn. When it was discovered that you rejected him last night, everyone else decided to leap at their chance to catch him. You see, the knowledge that the elf liked you was what held them back."  
  
Aragorn turned pale. "You know that I rejected him?"  
  
"Mm-hmm," Gandalf said. "The poor dear was crying his eyes out for hours."  
  
Aragorn felt guilt in his stomach. "But you aren't chasing him," he pointed out.  
  
"Good point," Gandalf said. He jumped to his feet and grabbed his staff, before he went over to the group. "I'm the group wizard, so I get first dibs!" Gandalf shouted.  
  
Legolas was still trying to get away from the others. He saw Aragorn watching silently, as Legolas finally drew his bow and pointed it at the others. "The next one who grabs me anywhere is getting this in his heart!" the elf shouted. Then the bow broke in Legolas's hands.  
  
Frodo grabbed Legolas by the legs. "Don't abandon me, Legolas!"  
  
Different emotions flickered across Aragorn's face, as he angrily watched the rest of the Fellowship yell at Frodo to let go.  
  
"Legolas in mine!" Boromir shouted.  
  
Gimli vehemently denied that statement. "The elf is mine!"  
  
"I'm the Ringbearer!" Frodo yelled. "So Legolas is mine!"  
  
Legolas was busy trying to get Frodo off his feet, without hurting the Hobbit. He froze when he heard what they were saying.  
  
"He belongs to me!" Gandalf yelled. His power surged around him, and frightened the Hobbits, who squealed and grabbed a hold of Legolas.  
  
"Save us!" they begged.  
  
"Get off!" Legolas shouted. He shot another pleading look at Aragorn. Boromir and Gimli yanked the Hobbits off of the elf, and grabbed his arms.  
  
Aragorn met Legolas's gaze for a few moments, before he turned away. But his morals wouldn't let him just leave the elf like that. "C'mon, people! It's time to start walking again!"  
  
"Carry me," Frodo pleaded, as he batted his eyelashes at Legolas.  
  
Legolas was the first who was ready to go, and he leapt into the trees to avoid more of whatever was going on in the Fellowship.  
  
To be continued 


	2. Nowhere To Hide

Note: This takes place the night after 'An Elf's Worst Nightmare'. This could be considered an AU fic, because most of the characters are severely out of character! Eventual Slash between L/A. These are not my characters!  
  
Nowhere To Hide  
  
Part 2  
  
Aragorn's temper was at its peak by the time that the Fellowship stopped to rest that night. Everyone else had been jumping all over Legolas. Every time Aragorn had caught sight of the elf, he was trying to hold his own against the others. The elf had not been able to get away from them, so his burns had gone untreated. His shirt had also been torn apart by the Hobbits, so Legolas was bare-chested.  
  
A muffled whimper caught Aragorn's attention as he sat at the camp alone. Frodo, Boromir, Sam, Gandalf, Merry, Pippin, and Gimli were off looking for Legolas, who had disappeared. Aragorn followed the whimper to his own sleeping area, and was surprised to see someone hiding under the blankets there. The human drew his sword silently, and flipped the blankets back. He stared in shock at the figure who lay there.  
  
"What are you doing in my bed?" Aragorn finally asked, as he looked into Legolas's green eyes.  
  
Legolas looked back, a slight blush on his face. "It was the only place I could think of to hide," the elf confessed quietly. He didn't move, for fear that someone else would see him.  
  
"They're not even here," Aragorn protested.  
  
"Look over at my bed," Legolas muttered.  
  
Aragorn looked and saw that Frodo, Pippin, Sam, and Merry were all sitting there, waiting for Legolas to show up. "I see," he said quietly. It was a good thing that Legolas had placed his bed farthest from Aragorn's, for the Hobbits could not hear them speaking.  
  
"You're the only one not after me," the elf whispered. "I thought I was safer near you instead of them."  
  
Aragorn chuckled a little, to hide the stab of pain in his heart over Legolas's words. "Have you treated your burns yet, Legolas?"  
  
Legolas shook his head. "Every time I got away from one of them to do so, another popped up. They've been grabbing and fighting over me all day."  
  
"Aragorn, have you seen Legolas?" Boromir's voice asked, as he and Gimli reentered the camp. Gandalf walked in as well, and joined the Hobbits at Legolas's bed.  
  
A silent pleading shone in Legolas's eyes as he shook his head frantically. He hid a sigh of relief as Aragorn replaced the blanket that had been covering him, before turning to face the other two. "I thought he was going bathing at the river," Aragorn lied. "If you hurry, you might catch him." The others jumped up and ran towards the river as fast as they could. As soon as they were out of sight, Aragorn uncovered Legolas's face again. "You'd better tend those burns, Legolas, before the others return."  
  
"Thank you," Legolas said gratefully, as he sat up carefully, listening for any sign of the others.  
  
Aragorn murmured, "You're welcome," before he went to sit by the fire again. Legolas stood and crossed over to his bed, where he knelt and began searching through his pack.  
  
An particularly nasty Elvish curse spurned Aragorn to turn towards the elf, who looked angry. "They've taken all my things!" Legolas cried, careful to keep his voice low. He turned his pack upside down, and nothing fell out of it. "My spare clothes, my brush, and my soap… Everything is gone! Including my herbs!"  
  
"Take some from mine, then," Aragorn offered. Legolas returned to Aragorn's bed and got what he needed. The burns on his arms were red and swollen, for the others had unintentionally been grabbing them each time they'd grabbed him by the arms.  
  
Aragorn frowned and stood, making his way over to Legolas. He took the elf's arms in his hands one by one, and inspected the burns, which looked painful. "Did they do that?" he questioned, a menacing frown on his face.  
  
"When they kept grabbing me," Legolas mumbled. The elf yawned, for he had been chased all day and was weary from it. "And I still need to make a new bow."  
  
Aragorn let go of Legolas's arms and took the herbs from Legolas. He tenderly applied the herbs to the burns, before he took out a soft, silky cloth and bandaged the elf's arms for him. "I would get some rest while you can, Legolas." A husky note was in his voice, and Aragorn cleared his throat quickly.  
  
"Legolas!" Merry called, for the others were returning from the lake.  
  
Legolas groaned. "I'm going to go hide," he told Aragorn. Then he saw that the human was looking at him with a strange expression. "Aragorn?" Legolas questioned softly.  
  
Aragorn snapped out of the thoughts he'd been having, and focused on what Legolas was saying to him. "Good idea," he said, ignoring the fact that having the elf say his name like that was driving him crazy.  
  
"There you are, Legolas!" Frodo cried. He zipped over and grabbed the elf by the waist.  
  
"Let go of him!" Pippin yelled. "He's mine!"  
  
Gimli grumbled, "Wrong, fool of a Took! Legolas is mine!"  
  
Boromir scowled at Gimli. "He's mine, dwarf!"  
  
"No, he's mine!" Sam shouted.  
  
"I thought you liked Frodo," Merry said.  
  
"Not anymore! I want Legolas!"  
  
"He's mine, Samwise Gamgee!" Gandalf bellowed. The group started fighting amongst themselves, and Legolas ran away while they were distracted.  
  
"He's getting away!" Frodo yelled. They all turned and ran after the swift and agile elf.  
  
Aragorn seethed even more. Legolas belonged to him, damn it.  
  
No, he doesn't, his inner voice shouted. You turned him down and brought this about.  
  
But I'm the only one who can love him the way he deserves, Aragorn snapped.  
  
Wrong, the inner voice taunted. You already rejected him, and the others are already making their move. Face it, you've already lost. Soon, one of them will be with Legolas.  
  
Shut up, Aragorn yelled mentally. I'm not listening to you, because you're just a stupid voice inside my head.  
  
The human nodded, satisfied, before he returned to the fire. But every fiber in his being was itching to go after Legolas.  
  
Meanwhile, Legolas was in quite a predicament, as he ran from the madness that pursued him. He leapt into the trees, and jumped directly up, seeking a haven in the treetops. He was so full of volatile emotions right now that he didn't notice the branch he was standing on was flimsy and old. He sat on it, and went to work, making a new bow. He used the string from his broken one.  
  
Legolas had just finished when he heard a sound. The elf froze, as the others stopped below the tree.  
  
"Where'd he go?" Frodo asked.  
  
"The tracks stop here," Gimli muttered.  
  
Sam said, "He must be in the trees. Hobbits are best at climbing, for we can reach the top branches."  
  
But none of them had to climb the tree, as the branch that Legolas was sitting on suddenly snapped. The elf fell, and landed on top of Boromir. He got of the human, and was grabbed from behind by Gandalf.  
  
"Stop this!" Legolas yelled, for he was tired and sore, and wanted nothing more than a nice sleep, for he had been on his feet most of the day. He broke free, and took off running again, clutching his new bow tightly. But they didn't stop, and Legolas was chased the entire night. He was caught a couple of times, and the others usually began bickering over him. But Legolas also usually managed to escape while they were fighting. Legolas was trembling with exhaustion by the time he returned to the camp, and dawn was two hours off.  
  
Aragorn was stunned to see Legolas suddenly reappear in the camp. He stood, and began moving towards the elf. But after he had taken two steps, Legolas suddenly crumpled to the ground. Aragorn knelt beside him and saw the weariness in Legolas's eyes, as he took the limp elf in his arms.  
  
"I'm so tired, Estel," Legolas whispered. "They won't stop…" His hair was hanging around his face, as he gazed at Aragorn weakly.  
  
Aragorn gently brushed the hair out of Legolas's eyes. "Sleep, Legolas. I will stop them," he said softly, as he gently picked Legolas up, stood, and carried the half-asleep elf to his bed. He laid him down, and covered Legolas with his blankets. The blond elf was fully asleep before he even touched the ground. He looked tired and pale, as he firmly grasped his new bow in his hand. Aragorn removed it, and placed it on the ground beside him.  
  
Aragorn then turned to wait for the others to arrive, for he had just about had with them harassing Legolas. The reason that Aragorn was so upset about it was because Legolas was a good friend. And nothing more, he said, trying to convince himself of that.  
  
*************  
  
Isenguard  
  
*************  
  
"Why do they get to have the pretty elf!" Saruman shouted, as he watched them through a scrying spell. "I want him!" He glared at the orcs. "Bring me the pretty elf!" He sounded like a spoiled child, as he ranted and raved about wanting the elf.  
  
The Orcs exchanged looks of fear, before reluctantly turning to do as their Master said.  
  
Saruman added, "And don't come back without him!" His voice was petulant.  
  
To be continued 


	3. Curses and Kidnapping Attempts

Notes: None of these characters are mine! This fic is meant to be humorous! Enjoy! I think all of them are out of character now!  
  
Curses And Kidnapping Attempts  
  
Part 3  
  
Aragorn stood waiting for them when the rest of the Company arrived.  
  
"There he is!" Frodo cried, as he spotted Legolas asleep in Aragorn's bed. He made to run over to him, but Aragorn stepped in the way, a scowl on his face as he glared at them all (except for Legolas).  
  
"The next person who bothers him is going to get it from me!" Aragorn snapped. "Leave him be! Legolas is exhausted thanks to your shenanigans!"  
  
"You don't have the right to tell us what to do!" Boromir retorted. "You don't even want him!" Aragorn did not reply to that statement, but his hand slipped to Anduril's hilt.  
  
The Hobbits backed off, except for Frodo. He gazed up at Aragorn with his innocent eyes. "Would you really hurt me, Aragorn?" Frodo looked hurt.  
  
Aragorn felt a little guilty. "Ok, I won't hurt you, Frodo. But the rest of you- hands off!"  
  
Pippin whined, "That's not fair! Frodo gets everything just `cause his stupid uncle gave him the One Ring!"  
  
"That's right," Merry chimed in.  
  
Gimli grumbled, "Shut up!" He glared at Aragorn. "I say the elf is mine!"  
  
"He belongs to me!" Gandalf yelled, letting his power course around him.  
  
"Does not!" Sam shouted. "He's mine!" While the rest of the Fellowship got in a fight over who Legolas belonged to, none of them noticed that the Orcs had made their way into the camp.  
  
"Uh... Which one is the elf?" the lead orc asked.  
  
"Look for pointed ears," one advised.  
  
"But the halflings have pointed ears, too," another pointed out.  
  
They found the elf by tripping over his sleeping form.  
  
"Ah, we've found him!" another said. The Orcs stared down at the sleeping elf, who stirred, moaning under his breath.  
  
"Oh... he is pretty," the second Orc said.  
  
"Bind him for the master!" the leader hissed. The Orcs quickly wrapped cord around Legolas's hand and feet, before they prepared to gag him.  
  
Legolas woke up when he felt the ropes on his wrists and ankles cutting off his circulation. He saw the Orcs and let out a girlish scream. "Aragorn!"  
  
Aragorn and the others whirled in time to see the Orcs gag Legolas to shut up his high-pitched screaming. They then picked him up and ran away with the elf.  
  
"Give back our elf!" Gandalf shouted. He used a spell, which nearly caused the Orcs to drop Legolas. The elf sent a pleading look at Aragorn, who charged after the Orcs with Anduril still drawn.  
  
"After that elf!" Boromir shouted. He and the rest of the Fellowship ran after Legolas.  
  
Legolas was tired and mad and scared. "Mmm!" he mumbled, as he struggled in the grasp of the Orc who held him tight. Legolas managed to get his feet to touch the ground, and drew a line out behind him so the others could follow him.  
  
The plan worked great until a tree root caught his feet and yanked him out of the Orc's arms. Legolas used his Elven agility and grace to stand, and began hopping back towards the camp, as his feet were bound together too tightly for him to run.  
  
Aragorn accidentally ran right past him, and then whirled around and began chasing Legolas. "Legolas, stop hopping!"  
  
Legolas turned at Aragorn's voice. "Mmmm-mm!" he said. He started hopping towards Aragorn, but the Orcs grabbed him again. Legolas was seriously annoyed. Why was everyone after him, he wondered. God, what did I do to deserve this?  
  
The Orcs ran off with Legolas, and Aragorn ran after them again, before he remembered that he had his bow and arrows with him. He notched arrows and killed the Orc who was holding the blond elf. Another Orc tried to pick the elf up, but Aragorn killed it as well.  
  
The Hobbits came along and saw Legolas laying on the ground, bound and gagged. They saw this as their big opportunity and ran over. Working together, Pippin, Frodo, Sam, and Merry barely managed to pick Legolas and up and ran away with him, taking him towards a boat. They set the elf down, and untied the boat, before beginning to row away.  
  
Legolas managed to get part of his gag down. "Aragorn!" he shouted, still sounding like a girl because his voice was strained after all the yelling he'd done at the rest of the Fellowship the other day. Merry reached over and fixed the gag.  
  
Aragorn looked up and saw the Hobbits were rowing away with Legolas. He swore under his breath.  
  
Gimli, Boromir, and Gandalf ran up, and began to fight the Orcs.  
  
"Forget the Orcs!" Aragorn snapped. "The Hobbits are running away with Legolas!"  
  
The three immediately ran to the dock and jumped in, swimming after the slow-moving boat.  
  
Aragorn fought off the Orcs by himself, his jealousy nearly at its limit. Damn, it seemed like everybody wanted Legolas. Including himself.  
  
The sounds of a fight caught Aragorn's attention, as he made his way over to the dock.  
  
The boat had tipped over, because Gandalf, Boromir, and Gimli were holding onto one side of it. Everyone in the boat fell into the water. Including Legolas, who could not swim with his hand and feet tied. His gag muffled his cries.  
  
Sam shrieked that he couldn't swim, and Frodo, Merry, and Pippin helped him back to the shore. "Where's Legolas?" Sam asked, choking up water.  
  
The other three members of the Fellowship were at the shore as well, when they noticed that Legolas was not there.  
  
"Where is that dratted elf?" Gimli asked. All eyes turned back out to the lake.  
  
Two slim, pale hands were sinking beneath the lake, as Legolas sank in the water. He muttered a curse on the Hobbits, the Dwarf, the Orcs, Gandalf, and Boromir. This was all their fault. But opening his mouth underwater, even with the gag on, choked Legolas. He thought he saw mermaids around him, as he lost consciousness.  
  
Aragorn sheathed his sword and dove into the lake when he saw the hands completely go under. He swam under the lake, straining to see where the elf was. His hands touched Legolas's hair, and Aragorn grabbed the elf and swam up to the surface. He towed Legolas to shore, and laid the elf out flat.  
  
Aragorn then ripped the gag off the elf's mouth. His lips were blue, and Aragorn immediately began CPR. After a minute, Legolas choked up water and breathed hoarsely. "Where did the mermaids go?" he asked.  
  
"Mermaids?" Aragorn questioned, wondering if Legolas had suffered brain damage.  
  
Legolas nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah! They were under the lake and they surrounded me."  
  
Aragorn repeated his earlier thought. "Are you all right, Legolas?"  
  
Legolas squirmed in his bindings. "No! I'm tired, my only pair of clothes is now completely soaked, my hands and feet have lost all their feeling, and I feel like killing somebody!" he yelled.  
  
Aragorn backed away quickly when Legolas said that. "Just don't kill me, Legolas."  
  
"Plus the fact that my hair is totally going to frizz," Legolas groaned. "Other than that, I'm just fine."  
  
Pippin, Frodo, Merry, and Sam all come over and cooed over Legolas.  
  
"We'll fix your hair," Frodo said sweetly.  
  
Sam smiled innocently. "We promise not to try anything."  
  
Legolas groaned again. "Aragorn, please cut me free, so I can use my bow!"  
  
Aragorn came forward again, and slit the ropes binding Legolas's hand and feet. He then re-sheathed Anduril, as Legolas stood.  
  
The elf glared at everyone, except for Aragorn. "The next person who tries *anything* at all is getting an arrow between the eyes." Legolas stormed off, and headed directly towards the camp, dripping wet and muttering to himself. How come the one that he actually liked wasn't going after him, Legolas thought unhappily.  
  
********************  
  
Isenguard  
  
********************  
  
"Get your lazy butts back there and get me that elf!!" Saruman screamed at the Orcs. "Bring him here for my own... my precious..." He sat down again, repeating over and over again, "My own...my precious..."  
  
The Orcs exchanged a look.  
  
"He's starting to sound like Gollum," one muttered.  
  
The others nodded in agreement, as they left again to get the elf.  
  
To be continued. 


	4. The Pretty Elf Gets Gift-Wrapped

Note: None of these are my characters! Most of the LOTR characters are out of character! Elrond gets into the whole Legolas obsession thing in this chapter! This fic is written to be funny! Shounen ai between Legolas/Aragorn! Takes place the next day!  
  
The Pretty Elf Gets Gift-Wrapped  
  
Part 4  
  
Saruman paced inside his castle. How long did it take to capture one elf, he wondering, pacing in his long white robe.  
  
"My precious... my own..." Saruman hissed, gazing at the image of the elf through his scrying spell. He saw Legolas yell at everyone to leave him alone, as they chased him back to the camp. "He will be my precious..."  
  
******************  
  
The Camp  
  
******************  
  
Legolas swore as he ran through the camp, and spotted Aragorn. The smaller elf ran over and jumped directly behind the human.  
  
`I would be grateful if you would not move for a few moments,' Legolas whispered in Elvish.  
  
Aragorn stood there silently, and watched the Hobbits run by, calling out the elf's name. The human was so ready to vent out his anger on them all.  
  
A cry from behind him caught Aragorn's attention, and he whirled around to see that Boromir had actually managed to sneak up on Legolas and throw the elf over his shoulder.  
  
"Put me down, Boromir!" Legolas's bow and arrows had conveniently gone missing, as had his short sword. He struggled in the strangely fierce grip of the human. "Boromir! Let me go!" Legolas twisted in the humans grip, anger and annoyance in his face.  
  
Aragorn was seriously contemplating killing Boromir right now, as the other human carried away the kicking and yelling elf.  
  
The sounds of an Elvish horse approaching drew everyone's attention. A single rider was atop of it, with a bag hanging around his neck and shoulder.  
  
Legolas took advantage to break away from Boromir's grip and run, but he didn't get to far. In his haste to get away from the human who was chasing, Legolas tripped over a rock and flew straight into a tree headfirst.  
  
"Ouchie..." Sam said, wincing in sympathy.  
  
"That's going to leave a mark," Pippin said.  
  
Merry's face lit up. "Don't you know what this means?" he cried.  
  
"What?" Frodo asked curiously.  
  
Merry exclaimed, "We can play doctor with Legolas!"  
  
The four Hobbits scurried over to the moaning elf, who had a massive bruise forming on his forehead. They sat down and went to work.  
  
Legolas screeched when the Hobbits grabbed a hold of him, alternating between moans and screeches. "Get your hands away from there, Merry! I'm warning you!" The elf hissed in pain as he quickly stood, and walked around tipsily. A groan left Legolas's lips as he ran into a tree and fell down again.  
  
"Are you ok?" the rider on the Elvish horse asked. "Maybe you should return with me to Rivendell, Legolas. We can get to know each other better..."  
  
Legolas whimpered. Another person after him? The elf was seriously thinking that maybe he should have seen if he could die from drowning.  
  
Aragorn walked over to the elf, and helped him stand. "Are you all right?" he asked worriedly.  
  
A spark of hope appeared in everyone's eyes (except for Legolas and Aragorn), as they held their breath, waiting.  
  
"Just peachy," Legolas said. He swung his head back and gave Aragorn a grin. "I feel just fine." The elf then promptly fainted, and Aragorn barely caught him.  
  
"The elf belongs to me!" the messenger shouted. He flung off his cloak and revealed his identity.  
  
"Elrond?" Frodo asked, puzzled.  
  
"You are an elf," Sam pointed out.  
  
Elrond cursed. "So?" he finally snapped. "I want that elf!" He raced over to where Aragorn held Legolas, and shoved the human away. The blond elf wound up striking his head against a rock.  
  
"Ow..." Legolas regained consciousness immediately, and stood. He looked at Aragorn, and frowned. "Why are you dressed like a dancer?"  
  
Aragorn blinked. "Excuse me?" He watched the blond elf curiously, before turning to Elrond. "There is something definitely wrong with him."  
  
Elrond looked amused.  
  
Legolas stumbled around in a daze "I want my mommy..."  
  
"I'll be your mommy," Frodo said.  
  
Sam scowled. "Come here, Legolas! It's your mommy calling!"  
  
Gimli and Boromir threw strange looks at the Hobbits. Aragorn just glared at them.  
  
"Legolas, are you all right?" Aragorn had lost track of how many times the elf had hit his head today. A knot was on Legolas's head because he kept hitting the same spot over and over again.  
  
The Orcs chose that moment to jump out and grab Legolas. They lashed his wrists and feet together, as Legolas blinked at them.  
  
"Are you my mommy?" he asked.  
  
The Orcs froze.  
  
"What?" the leader asked.  
  
Legolas struggled in the ropes, and fell on the ground. He also hit his head for a forth time. "I've got to stop doing that..." he moaned, his voice back to normal. He then realized that he was bound and foot. "Why am I tied up?" he asked.  
  
Saruman chose that moment to appear in a flash of light. "My own... my precious..." he whispered, gazing at the Elven archer. "My precious...my own...  
  
Legolas whimpered, "Aragorn... He's scaring me..."  
  
Aragorn growled, and started forward, when Elrond did two things. First, he thrust the message bag at Aragorn, who caught it, and then he confronted Saruman.  
  
"Legolas is mine!" Elrond shouted.  
  
"He's mine!" Saruman said, using his magic to give him a really cool voice affect.  
  
"No, he's mine!" Gimli grumbled loudly.  
  
Frodo shrieked, "He's mine!"  
  
Sam countered, "No... Legolas is mine!"  
  
"Mine!" Pippin yelled.  
  
"He's mine!" Merry retorted.  
  
"No, mine!" Boromir said loudly.  
  
Gandalf exclaimed, "He's mine!"  
  
"Wrong!" Aragorn bellowed, loudly enough that everyone turned towards him, their mouths open in shock. He'd had enough of this. Legolas belonged to him and no one else. "Legolas is mine!"  
  
Legolas didn't know what to say, but Saruman grabbed him from behind, brandishing his staff.  
  
"Sorry, heir of Isildur, but the elf is mine!" Saruman snapped, as he started the magic so he teleport himself away with Legolas. He beamed at the Orcs. "Thanks for gift-wrapping him for me!"  
  
"Aragorn, help!" Legolas shouted, as the spell was cast. He was gripped firmly by his bound hands, and his green eyes met Aragorn's grey ones.  
  
Aragorn ran forward, but it was too late.  
  
Saruman and Legolas vanished.  
  
To be continued 


	5. The Torture Begins

Note: None of these are my characters! This is an AU fic, and most of the characters from LOTR are OOC (out of character)! Enjoy! Elvish speech is in ` '. The song `Please Release Me' is not mine!  
  
The Torture Begins  
  
Part 5  
  
Elrond turned to Aragorn. `So you chose Legolas over my daughter?' he asked in a severe voice.  
  
Aragorn winced a little. `Damn! I forgot about Arwen.' The human cursed himself for a few moments.  
  
`Read the letter she wrote to you,' Elrond said.  
  
Aragorn opened the message bag, and took out the letter. It read:  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Dear Estel,  
  
I know we were, like, gonna get married when you became the King of Men, but I have a  
  
confession to make. I've eloped with Haldir to the West, so you can be with Legolas. I  
  
know that you've been in love with him for a while now, so from the way I see it,  
  
everything has worked out. But you'd better, like, rescue him pretty quick, because  
  
Saruman is very cruel to elves. By the way, I'd appreciate if you didn't tell Galadriel that  
  
I ran off with her Head Guide.  
  
Love,  
  
Arwen  
  
************************************************************  
  
Aragorn burst into tears, and Elrond patted him on the shoulder.  
  
`Want a hanky?' the Elven lord asked. He held out a white handkerchief.  
  
Aragorn took it, and bawled into it. The rest of the Fellowship took the letter and read it.  
  
"Why are you crying?" Frodo demanded. "You're in love with Legolas, not Arwen."  
  
Aragorn brightened suddenly. "Oh yeah! I need to rescue him!"  
  
"Brilliant deduction, Einstein," Gandalf said.  
  
Pippin whispered, "Who's Einstein?" to Merry.  
  
Merry shrugged. "I guess it's another one of Aragorn's many names. How many has he got so far?"  
  
Everyone paused and began to think.  
  
"Lessee," Sam said. "There's Strider.  
  
"And Aragorn," Pippin said.  
  
Frodo added, "Estel."  
  
"Elessar," Elrond said.  
  
"Heir of Isildur," Gimli grumbled.  
  
Boromir said, "Son of Arathorn."  
  
"Dunadan," Gandalf murmured. "Dang, boy. You've got over five different names."  
  
Aragorn turned red. Come to think of it, he really did have a lot of names. He briefly wondered which one Legolas would like to call him.  
  
"Hey, stupid! Did you forget about us?" the Orcs snapped.  
  
"Make that seven," Merry whispered.  
  
Aragorn drew Anduril and rushed towards the Orcs. Elrond and the rest of the Company charged forward.  
  
Less than five minutes later, the Orcs lay dead, and Elrond looked at the Fellowship.  
  
`I must return to Rivendell. If you see Legolas, tell him he is welcome there any time,' Elrond murmured in a seductive tone of voice.  
  
Aragorn scowled at the Elven lord. `Legolas is mine!'  
  
Elrond shook his head, and smirked at his foster son. `We shall see, Aragorn,' he murmured. The Elven lord then mounted his Elvish horse. He rode off as quickly as he had come.  
  
"I am going to Isenguard to rescue Legolas," Aragorn announced. "The rest of you can either wait here, go on without me, or come with me."  
  
"We'll go!" Frodo and Sam exclaimed.  
  
"Yeah, we never got to finish playing doctor with Legolas," Pippin said enthusiastically.  
  
Merry elbowed Pippin hard. "We can't leave the poor, helpless elf in Saruman's clutches," he said, sniffing. Pippin was sniffing too, but for a different reason.  
  
"My axe and I shall come," Gimli grandly announced. "Maybe once he is rescued, Legolas will give me the respect that I deserve."  
  
Boromir rolled his eyes. "I'm not going to be the one who breaks up the Fellowship. I'm in."  
  
All eyes turned to Gandalf when the wizard did not speak.  
  
Gandalf cleared his throat nervously. He really did not want to go back to where he had been tortured. "I think that I shall remain here, Aragorn."  
  
"You're just afraid to go," Pippin taunted. "Gandalf is scared!"  
  
Gandalf glared at the Hobbit. "I am not! To prove, I shall go with you!" The wizard then realized what he had said. "Oh no..." he groaned. He'd let his pride best him again.  
  
"Let's go!" Aragorn cried. He charged forward with Anduril held high, and tripped over a stone. The heir of Isildur fell flat on his face and lay there for a few moments, humiliated. He then stood, his face flushed. "Let's try that again! Charge!" he yelled, and ran forward.  
  
The rest of the Fellowship charged after him, yelling different battle cries.  
  
"Go go power rangers!" Frodo yelled. The others turned and stared at him.  
  
"What's a power ranger?" Sam asked.  
  
Gimli shrugged, as did everyone else.  
  
Boromir shouted, "Onward Christian Soldiers!"  
  
Pippin questioned, "But what if we're not Christians?"  
  
Boromir scowled at the Hobbit.  
  
All in all, it was a very eventful trip to Isenguard.  
  
**************************************************************  
  
***************  
  
Isenguard  
  
***************  
  
Legolas had had enough. "I am not singing `I'm a Barbie Girl!" he shouted. "I'm not even a girl!" It was bad enough that Saruman had forced Legolas to wear a stripper outfit, but this was too much. The elf shook his head repeatedly.  
  
Saruman brandished his staff threateningly. "Then sing something else!"  
  
Legolas smirked, as he began singing, "Please Release Me! Let Me Go!" His voice was rich and pure, as he gave a splendid performance.  
  
Saruman shrieked in anger. A jolt of power accidentally flew out and struck the elf, who slammed into the wall and cracked his head again. "My precious..." Saruman said in fear. He ran over to check on the elf.  
  
"Mommy? Is that you?" Legolas whimpered. He gazed around in confusion, not understanding anything.  
  
Saruman smiled evilly, as he gently patted Legolas on the head. "Yes, Legolas, I am your mother."  
  
Legolas turned trusting green eyes on the human, who knelt down and patted his head. "What happened, Mommy? My head hurts."  
  
To be continued 


	6. Password And Rescues

Note: None of these are my characters! This is an AU fic, and most of the characters from LOTR are out of character! Enjoy! Elvish speech is in ` '. This fic is supposed to be funny!  
  
Passwords And Rescues  
  
Part 6  
  
The dark-haired elf known as Lord Elrond had not, in fact, returned to Rivendell. He was currently tracking the Fellowship as they reached Isenguard. The Elven lord's thoughts were his own.  
  
Aragorn was leading the way, and they found the doorway up into Isenguard.  
  
"Say the password," a voice hissed.  
  
"Agghh!" Frodo shrieked. "A disembodied voice!" He clung to Sam fearfully.  
  
"No, stupid. I am the guardian of the door," the voice said. A tiny figure (resembling Gollum in looks but not in color) made his way down the stairs and looked at them."  
  
"How dare you call Mr. Frodo stupid!" Sam shouted.  
  
"Let us in!" Aragorn said arrogantly.  
  
The figure shook his head. "Not until you say the password."  
  
The fellowship looked at each other, and then at the doorkeeper.  
  
"Do we get a clue or anything?" Pippin questioned.  
  
Merry nodded. "A little hint, perhaps?"  
  
"Nope," the creature announced, before looking around carefully. "Did you know that my master has a new toy? It talks this time!"  
  
Aragorn was baffled. "What kind of new toy?"  
  
"Got pointy ears and blond hair. And for some reason, it keeps calling my master its mother," the doorkeeper snickered.  
  
"Legolas!" Aragorn cried. "Damn! He must have hit his head again." The human sincerely hoped that the elf had not sustained permanent damage.  
  
Frodo tugged on Aragorn's shirt. "Aragorn, why would Legolas think that a man was his mother?" the Hobbit whispered.  
  
Aragorn frowned and thought about that for a few minutes. "Good question, Frodo. But we must save our elf!"  
  
Gimli grumbled, "How's this for a password, doorkeeper? Let us pass or I'll cut your head off!"  
  
"Sorry, that would be the password from last week," the doorkeeper announced brightly.  
  
Aragorn had to be physically restrained by Gandalf and Boromir, as he tried to strangle their only means to enter the tower.  
  
"I'll give you my password!" Aragorn growled, as he struggled to get his hands on the creature.  
  
"The password?" Pippin questioned. "That's a tough one," he complained.  
  
"You've got it, young Hobbit!" the doorkeeper exclaimed.  
  
Everyone turned and stared at Pippin and the doorkeeper.  
  
"What was the password?" Boromir asked.  
  
"I told you to say the password, and he did!" The creature beamed and pointed at Pippin.  
  
"Well done," Merry praised.  
  
Pippin smiled smugly, and pranced up to the tower. "Open it!" he cried, before promptly tripping over his own two feet.  
  
"Fool of a Took," Gandalf snickered.  
  
The doorkeeper did so, and all of the Fellowship walked up the stairs, unprepared for the sight that they saw when they reached Saruman's room.  
  
"How cruel..." Frodo moaned.  
  
Sam's face was pale. "I'm calling the department against the inhumane treatment of elves!"  
  
Merry gasped, "How could he..."  
  
"Not even an elf deserves this!" Gimli growled.  
  
Boromir was speechless.  
  
Gandalf whispered, "Oh the inhumanity!" He suddenly caught sight of something that drew his attention. "Is that my staff?"  
  
Pippin moaned, "Now we don't get to play doctor anymore..."  
  
Aragorn scowled at Pippin, before turning his gaze on where Legolas stood before them.  
  
The blond elf was wearing the same stripper's outfit, except that he now had makeup on his face and multi-colored styling gel in his normally blond hair, which now had little colored ringlets in it instead of the straight locks. Earrings were in the tips of his pointed ears as he looked at the Fellowship. `Have you seen my mommy?' he asked piteously. Golden chains were around his wrists, as Legolas looked at them mournfully.  
  
"Snap out of it, Legolas!" Aragorn cried. He ran over to the one he loved, who looked at him like a lost child. "Gimli, break these chains!"  
  
Gimli nodded, and struck the chains with his axe. The golden chains shattered, and  
  
Legolas looked at Aragorn. `Where's my mommy?'  
  
`Saruman is not your mother,' Aragorn told the elf. `He's male, after all.'  
  
Legolas gazed at Aragorn in confused innocence. `But he said he was...'  
  
Aragorn groaned, and picked the elf up in his arms. `We're getting out of here!'  
  
Legolas began to scream.  
  
"Blast it, Legolas, stop that screaming!" Boromir yelled.  
  
"What are you all doing here!" a voice bellowed from behind them. Saruman stood there next to Sauron, who scowled at the elf in Aragorn's arms.  
  
"I already paid for you, Legolas. Now get back here!" Sauron yelled.  
  
Legolas whimpered in fear as he got a good look at Sauron, and suddenly decided that maybe being kidnapped by unknown people wasn't such a bad idea. He looked into Aragorn's eyes. `Don't let him take me,' he pleaded. He also stopped screaming, which made their ears stop ringing. `And don't let him ruin my hair anymore, either.'  
  
`I won't,' Aragorn reassured the child-like elf.  
  
Legolas relaxed and snuggled into Aragorn's arms, liking this very much. A handsome stranger had come to his rescue! He clung to Aragorn as if he were a saviour.  
  
Aragorn saw the look of worship in Legolas's green eyes, as they met his grey ones. Now how was he going to get Legolas back to normal, Aragorn thought. Although it was kind of nice to have Legolas in his arms, he mused at the same time.  
  
A blast struck them, knocking the elf and human back against the wall. Legolas struck his head against Aragorn's jaw and passed out. The human held the limp elf in his arms and was relieved to see that he was breathing.  
  
Elrond suddenly fired an arrow into Saruman's behind, who shrieked and disappeared, along with Sauron. He grinned mischievously, as he looked at the Fellowship. `Good thing I followed you, hmm?'  
  
Legolas awoke and looked up at Aragorn. `Are you an angel?' he asked.  
  
`No, Legolas. You are alive,' Aragorn said. Though you seriously need to change clothes, because this outfit is just too tempting, the human thought to himself.  
  
`Aragorn!' Legolas cried, and he hugged the human, before catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror behind Aragorn. He screamed. `What happened to my hair! My face! My ears!' He began to bawl, sobbing very loud.  
  
Aragorn took the weeping elf in his arms and held him closely, while everyone else watched with jealousy in their eyes.  
  
To be continued 


	7. And Yet Another Kidnapping

Note: None of these are my characters! This is an AU fic, and most of the characters from LOTR are out of character! Enjoy! Elvish speech is in ` '. This fic is supposed to be funny! Takes place a day later.  
  
And Yet Another Kidnapping  
  
Part 7  
  
Legolas sat quietly by the lake, as Aragorn gently washed out the gel in the elf's multi-colored hair. At least the ringlets were out, the human thought, as Legolas sniffled piteously.  
  
The earrings had been removed already, but Legolas was still wearing the stripper outfit, as his other clothes were still missing. And he did not realize how everyone was drooling as they stared at him.  
  
Aragorn scowled when he saw the others watching Legolas, but cringed when he saw the drool. "Ew..." he muttered.  
  
"What is it?" Legolas sniffled.  
  
"You don't want to know," Aragorn said seriously, as he rinsed the elf's hair for a third time. Slowly but surely, the coloring was coming out.  
  
Gimli darted a furtive glance around, before sneaking over to Aragorn and Legolas with brand new bottles of shampoo and conditioner. "Try this, Aragorn," he whispered.  
  
Aragorn took the bottle and looked at it. "Herbal Essence?" he questioned. "What is this, Gimli?"  
  
The dwarf winked, before running off.  
  
Aragorn shrugged and applied some to Legolas's hair. Less than five seconds later, Legolas was moaning in pleasure as Aragorn massaged his scalp.  
  
Gimli snickered as he watched with everyone else. "It happens every time."  
  
Frodo was pouting, along with the other Hobbits. Elrond was scowling at his foster son, as was everyone else as they listened to the soft cries.  
  
"I want some of that!" Frodo shouted finally. "I'm the Ringbearer. Someone should wash my hair."  
  
Sam said grandly, "I'll wash your hair, Mr. Frodo."  
  
Frodo beamed at Sam. "You're the greatest."  
  
A sudden hoarse cry drew their attention back to the two by the lake.  
  
"Yes, yes, yes!" Legolas cried. He turned and saw everyone staring at him.  
  
Their mouths were dropped wide open, as they thought nasty little thoughts in their heads about Aragorn and Legolas.  
  
"What? My hair is finally back to normal." He touched his now normal blond hair.  
  
Aragorn slyly said nothing, as he massaged conditioner in, and rinsed that as well. He washed the elf's face, removing the makeup. He then began to comb Legolas's gleaming hair, pleased that everyone was so jealous of him.  
  
The others were disappointed slightly. They'd wanted to watch the two shag. Well, everyone except for Gandalf.  
  
The wizard was busy inhaling pipeweed. Elrond joined him glumly, his eyes on the attractive young elf, as Aragorn re-braided his hair.  
  
Legolas smiled sweetly at Aragorn, who kissed him hard.  
  
But they wound up grabbing each other out of fear when several Elvish riders thundered over to them out of nowhere. Lady Galadriel was among them, and she rode directly over to Aragorn, who positioned himself in front of Legolas protectively.  
  
`Elessar Telcontar, your fiancé has run off with my Head Guide,' the Elven lady said coldly in Elvish. `How am I supposed to cope alone now that both Celeborn and Haldir have gone West?' She flushed slightly, for she had realized that she had said more than she meant to.  
  
`Tis not my fault that Arwen ran off with Haldir,' Aragorn said reasonably. `I did not even know of her plan to do so.'  
  
Galadriel caught sight of Legolas's face behind Aragorn's shoulder. She reached down and shoved the human aside, drinking in the sight of the scantily-clad elf, not recognizing him as the Prince of Mirkwood. She started at his feet, as her eyes traveled up his thighs to his waist, chest, arms, and face. `Ah...' she breathed. `He's perfect. He'll do.'  
  
Aragorn shoved Legolas behind him again. `Do what? And Legolas is mine!'  
  
Legolas pressed his face against Aragorn's back in fear. He was still traumatized because of what had been done to him by Saruman.  
  
`After what that little hussy did, you should be grateful that I'm not doing worse to you,' Galadriel said angrily. `This elf will join my Harem.'  
  
Legolas gasped in fear, and everyone else ran over.  
  
`You can't have him,' Aragorn snapped.  
  
`He's ours,' Frodo shouted.  
  
Sam nodded vigorously. `Find someone else for your Harem.'  
  
`What's a Harem, Merry?' Pippin questioned.  
  
`A place where elves do things to you for trinkets,' Merry told him.  
  
`I want to go to a Harem,' Pippin announced. Nobody paid attention to him, as usual.  
  
`Do not call my daughter a hussy!' Elrond bellowed.  
  
Gimli said nothing, for he still thought Galadriel was the prettiest female elf he'd ever seen.  
  
Boromir had no reservations about yelling at Galadriel to leave Legolas alone.  
  
The Elven lady finally had enough of it, and changed into the scary banshee-looking Galadriel (from the movie where Frodo offers her the ring).  
  
"It's the creature from the Blue Lagoon!" Sam screamed.  
  
"No, it's a banshee!" Frodo yelled.  
  
"Run!" Merry shouted. The three ran off.  
  
Pippin shrieked as Galadriel looked at him. "I'm too young to die!" the Hobbit sobbed. He ran away as well.  
  
Galadriel easily flung the rest of the Fellowship aside, before she turned to the invigorating elf who backed away, cringing. The Elven lady leashed out with her power and struck Legolas unconscious. Aragorn did not get a chance to catch him, so the one he loved was caught by Galadriel, who smirked at Aragorn in triumph.  
  
`You can have him back in a few thousand years,' she said sweetly. `After I tire of him.' Galadriel then handed Legolas's limb body to one of the male elves, before she returned to her horse. She changed back to normal, looking sweet and helpless once more.  
  
She attempted to mount, and fell over the other side. Galadriel tried to regain her dignity, as she tried again. This time, the saddle slipped off and both went crashing to the ground.  
  
Snickers were heard from the other mounted elves, as Galadriel turned bright red.  
  
She mounted the horse for a third time, and managed to stay on. Everyone politely clapped, as she turned and galloped away.  
  
Aragorn froze. "Why the hell did we just clap? She just kidnapped Legolas!' He buried his face in his hands.  
  
"Strike one for lover boy," Gandalf snickered.  
  
"And that makes eight nicknames," Frodo said.  
  
Aragorn glared at the Hobbit, before he turned and raced towards his foster father's Elvish horse.  
  
"Um... Aragorn," Elrond began nervously. He was too late, as Aragorn vaulted onto its back and rode off. "Damn. How am I supposed to get home now?"  
  
"What do we do now?" Gimli asked.  
  
"I vote we eat," Pippin said.  
  
Everyone turned, looked at the young Hobbit, and then each other.  
  
"Sounds good to me," they all agreed.  
  
So they sat down to eat.  
  
"When are we gonna rescue Legolas?" Frodo questioned.  
  
Elrond was grumbling under his breath in Elvish. `Rotten, no-good thief... He just had to steal my horse, because I was the only one smart enough to actually bring one...'  
  
"After we eat," Gandalf answered. "Otherwise, he will not been in Lothlorien yet, and we will not be able to find him."  
  
Gimli was still fantasying, but the elf in his mind kept switching from Legolas to Galadriel and back again.  
  
Boromir asked, "Since Aragorn ran off, does that mean I get to be the heir of Gondor now?" He sounded hopeful.  
  
Four angry Hobbits shouted, "NO!" in unison.  
  
Boromir was severely depressed after that and moped for a while.  
  
To be continued 


	8. Alone At Last... Or Are They?

Note: Not my characters! This fic is Rated H for hilarious! Just out of curiosity, if I wrote my own version of LOTR bloopers, who would read and review it? Enjoy! BTW, there was a typo in the last chapter- it should have been Legolas's limp body, instead of limb body... A/L SLASH! Elvish speech is in ` '. Enjoy! The ending was taken from Laurell K. Hamilton's `Nightseer', so it's not mine. I just modified it a bit. This is the final chapter!  
  
Alone At Last... Or Are They?  
  
Part 8  
  
Legolas ran through the hallways in `Lorien screaming for help.  
  
Several of the Harem attendants were chasing after him with makeup kits, hair dryers, and a perm kit. Others were running after the blond archer with nail polish and eyebrow tweezers. And a few more were carrying curling irons, nail files, and perfume.  
  
`Stay away from me! Someone help!' Legolas screamed. He was wearing a new stripper outfit, and was seriously unhappy.  
  
Aragorn had arrived on Elrond's horse and heard the sounds of the one he loved screaming. So Aragorn decided to do something really brave. He climbed up a tree and grabbed onto a convenient vine.  
  
He then proceeded to swing down directly into an open window on the vine, and the plan worked perfectly until the vine snapped and Aragorn went flying into the side of the house.  
  
Legolas saw Aragorn fall. `My love!' he shouted, as he peered down from the window at Aragorn. `Do you live?'  
  
`Of course I live. Let down your golden hair, Legolas,' Aragorn muttered, having struck the wall headfirst, as he gazed up at Legolas.  
  
Legolas looked at Aragorn sadly. `My hair is not long enough,' he pointed out. `But Galadriel's might be.'  
  
While he was busy speaking to Aragorn, the attendants were sneaking up on him. They grabbed the elf from behind.  
  
Legolas gave a sudden cry, before a loud thud was heard. One of the attendants had struck him on the head with a frying pan. The unconscious elf was carried off again.  
  
Aragorn was worried when Legolas suddenly disappeared from sight.  
  
Galadriel saw how forlorn Aragorn looked, for she'd been watching from a higher window. `I will be selling him to the highest bidder tonight, Elessar, so come back and dress sharply. And bring lots of money,' the Elven lady told him.  
  
Aragorn nodded and ran off to call in some old favors.  
  
By that evening, Aragorn was decked out in a regal outfit `borrowed' from Lord Elrond, and he had plenty of money, because he had not had to spend it on a wedding for him and Arwen.  
  
So he walked into the Harem, not knowing that the rest of the Fellowship and his angry foster father were already inside. He avoided them as soon as he saw the group sitting at a table.  
  
Aragorn took a seat up close, and waited for Galadriel to bring Legolas out.  
  
Galadriel came out on stage. `I have a new prize for you tonight,' she grandly announced. `A perfect specimen of Mirkwood and King Thranduil's very own son, Legolas Greenleaf.'  
  
Everyone started drooling, except for Aragorn, who had to work really hard not to, as Legolas was brought out.  
  
His golden hair was soft and full, and the makeup he wore this time enhanced his natural beauty. Terror was written on his face, as he gazed out at the audience, hoping for a familiar face. The outfit Legolas wore was perfect for showing off his firm muscles and slender body. He did not wear fingernail polish, however, and silver chains were around his wrists.  
  
Aragorn pulled his hood over his hair and face, for he had decided to surprise Legolas, as the bidding began. He waited until it had started to slow down, before placing his own bid of a five thousand gold pieces- by far the most so far. Aragorn had also sold a few things to get so much money.  
  
Elrond countered with six thousand, and Aragorn upped him to nine thousand.  
  
The Elven king glared at his foster son, before bidding ten thousand.  
  
Aragorn bid fifteen thousand, which Elrond could not top.  
  
`Sold to the gentleman in the cloak and hood,' Galadriel announced. She had, of course, recognized Aragorn.  
  
Legolas whimpered in protest, as he was dragged hand and foot over to where Aragorn stood waiting. The two were then taken to a private chamber, Aragorn was given the keys to the chains, and the door was locked.  
  
The two faced each other, before Aragorn unlocked the chains first, which surprised Legolas.  
  
`Please don't...' Legolas was afraid as the figure approached him.  
  
Aragorn brought his mouth to Legolas's softly, and kissed him. The blond elf was shocked to feel the same rush of emotions that he felt when he kissed Aragorn.  
  
`Aragorn?' he exclaimed, hope in his voice.  
  
Aragorn tried to rip his cloak off dramatically, but it got caught. `Did you think I would let someone else have you?' he said, muffled by the cloak as he struggled to get it off.  
  
Legolas eagerly gave him a hand, and Aragorn smiled at him.  
  
`I'm so glad it's you,' Legolas whispered.  
  
Aragorn took the slender elf in his arms and gave him another passionate kiss. They stayed locked together until both were severely oxygen-deprived. They broke apart, gasping, before Aragorn finally went to work on Legolas's skimpy shirt.  
  
The blond elf eagerly removed Aragorn's tunic and shirt. `Where did you get this from?' he questioned, as he saw it was silk.  
  
`Elrond,' Aragorn snickered.  
  
Legolas began to giggle. `Oh... he's gonna be so mad...'  
  
Aragorn nipped at Legolas's throat, forgetting all else.  
  
A murmur of pleasure came from Legolas, as he pressed his body against Aragorn's, giving complete control to the one he loved.  
  
Aragorn groaned, before scooping the elf up into his arms and carrying him over to the bed. Legolas entwined his arms around Aragorn's neck.  
  
Legolas was placed on the bed, before Aragorn lowered himself onto the elf. Their hands tugged at each other's belts as they kissed fiercely, forgetting everything else.  
  
Aragorn licked the elf's ear and had to muffle a shriek from Legolas. `What's wrong?'  
  
`Elven ears are very... um...' Aragorn got the gist and chuckled, before beginning to undo the elf's pants. `Damn zippers,' he muttered.  
  
`What's a zipper?' Legolas questioned, as he squirmed beneath Aragorn, undoing the man's leggings and pushing them off.  
  
`Nothing,' Aragorn said. He slipped the pants off the elf, and went to work on the one he loved.  
  
************************  
  
Sometime Later  
  
************************  
  
Aragorn and Legolas were sound asleep in each other's arms when Legolas woke up suddenly and shook Aragorn awake.  
  
`Do you smell something?' Legolas whispered, sniffing the air curiously.  
  
`Hmm?' Aragorn sniffed. `Yeah, it smells like the fires of Mordor.'  
  
"Good guess!" Saruman shouted. He had just teleported into the room. "I'll take my elf now."  
  
Aragorn growled. "You will not!"  
  
Saruman unleashed a fire spell and destroyed most of the room. Aragorn and Legolas jumped aside from the spell. The bed was totally destroyed.  
  
Legolas had had enough of this, and grabbed Aragorn's bow and arrows, which were conveniently on the floor next to him. He fired an arrow at Saruman and it sunk in deep.  
  
The wizard vanished, shrieking.  
  
Aragorn applauded Legolas, and a sudden pounding was heard on the door.  
  
`Legolas! Don't kill him! It's Aragorn,' Galadriel shouted. The whole match-making shindig was over, finally.  
  
Legolas looked around the ruined wreck of the room. The tapestries had been completely destroyed, along with the bed.  
  
Aragorn grinned at the elf, who sat next to him, holding two sheets. `If bedding you is always this exciting, I may not live out the summer.'  
  
Legolas smiled and a giggle escaped his lips. Aragorn's own lips trembled. And they began to laugh. It was good, healthy laughter, and it bubbled out of both of them.  
  
Legolas thought enough to hand Aragorn a sheet to cover himself when the door opened, with a sheet over him as well.  
  
`What on Middle-Earth did you do to this room?' Galadriel nearly had a fit when she saw the room. The rest of the Fellowship and Lord Elrond were in the hallway, watching.  
  
Aragorn stood and tried to explain, but the sheet slipped to the ground.  
  
`Cover yourself!' Galadriel screamed.  
  
Legolas handed Aragorn his sheet again, his green eyes dancing with suppressed laughter.  
  
Aragorn began to explain, slightly red, and Galadriel began to yell. Legolas tugged a piece of charred bedpost from under his sheet, and the laughter bubbled up full throated. Aragorn and Galadriel turned at almost the same time.  
  
Galadriel yelled, `What are you laughing about?'  
  
Aragorn winked at Legolas, from behind her back.  
  
Legolas fell backward onto the scarred floor and laughed until he cried.  
  
The End 


End file.
